Because this is just a blog, it's a relief to get to talk about a problem that has been growing. That, to me, is the increasing numbers of sociopath or manipulator behaviors and personalities.
It's quite sad that there are quite a few reasons for this. First, in my humble opinion, since 9-11, this country has been at war officially with any country that might have terrorists. With (according to one source) up to 1000 bases strewn around the globe, it's safe to say that the US believes that might makes right.
How can you teach children to actually believe that bullying is bad, when in so many ways, that doesn't apply overseas. No matter what doctrine or how else it is justified, it is still amassing arms, selling them, for the purpose of conducting war, killing, bombing, and creating waves of refugees.
War to create peace, is in fact, still war, still violence, still bullying.
Aside from this, there are the plethora of war games, war movies--fiction and science fiction and nonfiction---on TV, in movies, in games, on DVD, at YouTube, in game-sets, on I-pads, etc.
From the second-grade on, the average American boy probably spends a great deal of time obsessing about games pitting one's intelligence to maim, eliminate, or kill opponents since it's a cool thing.
The average American girl will obsess over Barbie dancing, Barbie preening, Barbie dressing, Barbie make-up, Barbie make-over, so that by the time she is a teen, the nose-job, hair-dye, breast-enhancement and whatnot is clearly the cool thing to do.
Sex and death, both had for cheap. Violated or self-violated, new bullies are in the offing.
And then if there are not the virtual sociopathic role models, there are the REAL ones, you know, from Hollywood, Bollywood, access Hollywood, People magazine, American Idol and reality T.V.
In fact, the real question is how many of the condoned role models these days are not sociopaths. We don't hold these ordinary workers to view unless they earned some kind of civic superstar rating.
But the rat-race is what engenders the ruthlessness and egotism that feeds the bully-meme. After all, bigger, brasher, bolder, is what makes better. We have to push and shove our way up.
Arguably, the whole point of the American education system is to keep students blind to the realities of the workaday jungle. Behind their gated schoolyards, they are kept busy at tasks that provide them the illusion they are learning a lot. They are mastering a lot of learning that is graded and will keep their egos stoked for the great American dream.
There are so many hopeful activities, once they get that high school diploma. They can at least go to college where they can get their dreams downsized, or cut down, or shifted, or sent around and around, sort of like visiting the cleaners. They can get their clock cleaned out.
All this time from kindergarten through high school, if they are very lucky, they might get to work a part-time job, most likely nowadays in the service sector. Otherwise, yes, no wonder they start playing games, imagining a reality that isn't but are told is something good to do.
It's good to live in an imaginary world, I mean, you can even play President of the United States, and be living in an imaginary world nowadays, imagining you are living in the United States of the Great Sargasso or something....(just kidding, of course).
Then, there are the genetically prone to be sociopathic. I am not sure why your sibling might be a manipulator or sociopath, but it happens. Wikihow is very comforting to me, because a few years back, I never dreamed things could be so unabashedly presented with such appeal, thanks to some fabulous writers and illustrators.
I'll post "How to spot a Sociopath" first, even though you are more likely to encounter a Manipulator.
Here's WikiHow How to Spot a Sociopath: http://www.wikihow.com/Spot-a-Sociopath
I thought it was important because a full-blown sociopath is often, depending on how it suits him or her, a bully, a manipulator, and controlling person. They will use any means to get what they want out of you.
Now in education, there aren't just students to deal with but also your working peers. In fact, the students are pretty harmless compared to your peers. While the students, you can mark down or refer or take punitive action or preferably guide to more sociable outlets, you cannot change your peers.
In any profession these days, I call them the lettuce-wrappers. They turn your job of joy, it doesn't matter what, into work-maze. They obsess over every single little detail on the job and talk about those details endlessly and just won't let go. They jackknife their way into your personal space and then try every which way to disempower you. You know or sense that this is not friendly productive conversation, but there is an underlying agenda of play-to-eliminate.
Here is one description of toxic mannerisms by Kim: https://www.inc.com/larry-kim/5-tips-for-handling-toxic-people-in-the-workplace.html
The lettuce-wrappers may have grown up in hard situations. They had to out-compete everyone else in order to remain in the field picking lettuce. They don't give a fig about how the supervisor mistreats them, or planes flying overhead spraying chemicals...they are totally company-made.
That could explain why some parents or neighbors are this way too. Maybe they grew up as refugees or underwent war-time conditions. They internalized and internalized to the extent that bullying is their only outlet. The countries they lived in, the boarding schools they attended, the churches or whatever molded them to become controlling.
Here's a good checklist on Controlling People and how to identify them: http://www.wikihow.com/Recognize-a-Controlling-Person
It really is painful to acknowledge that someone near (and possibly dear) to you is a controlling manipulative person. But the only way to start protecting yourself is honestly admitting it.
Yes, they embarrass you on purpose. Yes, they put you down a lot of the time. Yes, for specific reasons, they want to make you feel incompetent or that your methods are not sufficient. Yes, they threaten you or do things to disempower you. Yes, they want to make you miserable because somehow that makes them feel better.
The stealthy way that sociopaths do this also includes the perpetual wet-blanket airs of negative people, who are also toxic, as described here: http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Negative-People
You really have to be sort of strong and stoic inside to counter all these negative types of people if they are family, then friends at school, and cultural schools as well.
Over time, as the WikiHow describes, it is indeed tempting to break out altogether. (And this is where the Asian guys hating Asian girls going out with non-Asian guys can really become intensified). But you should never completely break out unless you really trust those you are breaking out with. Because you can be just shifting into a new abusive situation, even more dangerous and toxic, not knowing it beforehand, because you have built-in your co-dependent tendencies.
I really am grateful for the variety and breadth available at WikiHow because they don't just describe, they also diagnose, which is of course very important if you need to try to break free, fight back, deal with it, broadcast it, or whatever.
In case you can't find it, here's the one for dealing with sociopaths:
http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Sociopath
And here's the one for dealing with manipulators:
http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Manipulative-Person
WikiHow also posts related articles in the side-bar which is great to reference or compare.
You can't always use these tactics and be assured they will work. In fact, these sociopaths and manipulators, being somewhat sick people, will also be reading these articles to devise new ways to torment you or check your attempts to protect yourself.
You also need to practice these tactics, and take notes on what works with whom. But the rule of protecting yourself is very important. Don't let your guard down. Learn to be assertive.
What if they are your elders or teachers or people of authority like the school principal?
You have to weigh your options carefully. Maybe there is someone you can talk to about it, maybe there isn't. Maybe your fellow students or peers just let things blow off and don't take matters too seriously. In fact, it's a good thing to develop hobbies like meditation, such as Falun Gong, so you can learn to behave truthfully, compassionately, and with tolerance, and be better able to cope.
Turning the other cheek may only work to a certain extent though, especially if this abuse is undertaken to seriously undermine you and cause you psychological harm and distress.
For instance, there are a few people who make it a habit to visit the public library and play or visit super-weird websites. The other day, this poor sick teenaged gal spent almost a couple hours playing dancing Barbie Doll as a game video. It was pretty homophile in nature, and she was also glancing at me askance, as if trying to gauge my interest. Guys will also do those same sick things there too.
Or the school principal can be a draconian Greg Gianforte type, the kind who is pretty nice until things don't go his way. Or the more sinister type like who seem clean-cut, popular, honest, but nevertheless is cut-throat filthy scheming to put one over on people so they can get ahead. Sometimes, you really have to keep your acting hat on, while keeping some notes about things.
In any case, you should not be afraid to be assertive. To this end, I always keep a copy of my bill of assertive rights somewhere, with a few bits and extra pieces added on. http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1085484-when-i-say-no-i-feel-guilty-how-to-cope---using-the-skills-of-systema
For instance, keeping your information to yourself, you have to practice saying "I don't want to talk about that right now" or "Maybe later" or some other diversionary tactic. The lettuce-wrapper typically won't back down very easily. They want, need, you to tell them information about yourself, because just as soon as they do, they can devise ways to attack you.
I know because the other day, the lettuce-wrapper targeted someone else besides me, someone who stated something to the effect she felt afraid of doing such-and-such. The lettuce-wrapper, with her hidden agenda of play-to-eliminate, immediately latched onto the person's fear and indeed, embellished the validity of such a fear as being a valid deterrent from pursuing a meaningful goal.
Here's advice on saying no:
"Know that it's alright to say "no." A person will continue to manipulate you as long as you allow him to. You need to say "no" to protect your well being. Look in the mirror and practice saying, "No, I cannot help you with that," or, "No, that isn't going to work for me."[14] You must stand up for yourself, and you deserve to be treated with respect."
Here's advice on carrying on a neutral conversation:
"Carry on a neutral conversation. Instead of letting the sociopath do all the talking, speak up and take the conversation where you want it to go. That way you can keep it in comfortable territory, never giving the person a chance to catch you off-guard with some kind of barb. Agree with the person in complimentary ways whenever you can."
Finally remember, your strength can be your weakness, but conversely, your weakness can be your strength. Knowing yourself, their strength can be turned against them.
No, I don't to talk about that right now. Because I just don't.